Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My first angsty law school post

Its about time, eh?

I was a big deal in school, and it wasnt a small school, so you cant give me the big fish in a small pond thing. And now, I'm far from studly. I study my butt off, but am not smart about the way I work. So I don't do well. It sucks. I can't tell you how much.

Essentially, law school isn't working out so well for me. I'm not the person people tally scores with, cause I'm a middle feeder. I don't know how people see me, but I'm willing to bet they don't think I'm the smartest or most hard working person around, even though I am both smart and hard working.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. For one, it can't. If it did, I'd never be happy. And law school isn't worth my happiness. No grades, competitions, or external sources of validation are worth my happiness.

And why should they be? Do professors here, or class mates or college mates know me better or do I? Obviously, the latter.

Besides, in three more years, I know I'm going to get what I want.

Another thing. Relationships here, so transient. Just when you think you've finally found someone you can rely on, off they go. And it happens with such a frequency that I think people even stop fighting it. They just let you drift away, and you do the same.

My best friend and I sometimes draw up lists of people that we actually trust and count as true friends. The list never goes beyond 5 or 6. But hey, who needs a whole entourage?

The lesson that I've learnt is that external means of self validation are all very well. I was the kid that wanted to win, I still am. I like achieving, I like putting up good performances, I like praise. But the absence of the above isn't going to make me feel like shit, cause that'd just be stupid.

I am, and will always be studly :D


Ayush said...

awesomely awesome...... not really about time though cause one wishes one never feels these things hence its never timed...btw...I AM THE BEST FRIEND WOOOHOOO i smart :D
it all makes sense no one is ever worth you like tht quote from the lost and the delirious (rephrased of course...:) ) the amount one cares for what others think should be directly proportional to how much they are paying you...hear..hear!!

Aqseer said...

oh yeah i forgot about the quote! so here it is-
Mouse- "How much does it matter what other people think?"
Joe- "It depends on how much they're paying you, I guess?...How much are they paying you?"

UDit said...

yo sodhi.... it's been a long time since I saw your blog, and here I am, reading about something you posted a month ago, and somehow, i like it. I like it because I connect with it somehow. I haven't been anything like you, I have maybe been the hardworking type, but not in the sense that I achieved extraordinary results. I did achieve a few, which somehow really didn't hold that much value for me as they did for others. I, for one, feel I have become trapped in some of those achievements, and let them be me more about me than they are.
I often say that engineering is not working out for me, and sometimes it ends up bringing me down. And yes, many a time I have reached a mental rationalization extremely similar to yours, i.e the accomplishments and victories are not worthy of being a cause of my loss of happiness.
But that is where the similarities end, possibly. 2 years from now, I don't know what I'm going to get, or what I want for that matter, which I don't know. Relationships are something I still have no clue of. I'm pretty much the same in those matters as I was in school. :-)
You've always been the achiever, and for that and many more reasons, I have and always looked up to you, for inspiration and other things.
You've been the stud, and I'm also a stud-of-sorts now, but in ways very different to yours. But hey, i'm still proud of it. :-)
Take care girl
Apologies for this becoming a mini-post of its own. Maybe I should post it on my blog. :P